The Art of Accepting the Unacceptable: Embracing Life's Many Uncertainties

Life is difficult; especially if you’ve explored and developed an open mind and a more comprehensive perspective. Because then you tend to see things objectively, without bias. It’s perhaps more difficult to leave room for doubt. And to be open to the possibility that our truths may not be as broadly genuine as we all defensively believe. However, doubt creates room for us to expand and develop. That room is essential because of this constant fluid and shared experience we call society. This society challenges and presents us with truths we would rather avoid. We universally experience the hurdle of learning to accept things we don't want to; whether about us, others, or our collective surroundings. It’s important.

Instead of authentic growth instead of moving forward collectively, we would rather [either] resist growth or fabricate change for the sake only of change. In either case, we collectively resist reasonable organic change. Resistance to acceptance demands that we learn to recognize when we may not know what we don’t know and be strong enough to accept the possibility that our convictions might be wrong. We actively learn how to be human—we all know this—and reality doesn’t end with learning basic human functions. Moreover, our thought processes and perspectives are taught, developed, and reinforced; whether we manage this process consciously or unconsciously the process is unavoidable.

          Toward the end of my first decade on this planet, I began suppressing memories which dulled my emotional development. I wasn’t whole. The ongoing process thoughtlessly regulated how I managed what happened to me. Unconscious of the pattern, I repeatedly made bad choices without regard for consequences, when faced with repercussions, I inherently dismissed and forgot about my actions and reactions, never acknowledging the connection. For most of my life, I remained unaware of this pattern of behavior. Whenever lingering memories resurfaced, I felt uneasy and instinctively dismissed them, telling myself, “That wasn't me” and “That didn't happen.” I couldn’t accept them. And because of that regardless of the efforts for personal growth and working through new issues that presented to me as an adult, I was stagnant.

One of the most challenging faces of acceptance is facing our shortcomings. It’s nearly impossible nowadays to admit our mistakes, acknowledge our flaws, and accept responsibility for our actions. We might resist accepting our weaknesses because they threaten our self-image, making us feel vulnerable or ashamed. But the truth is, that embracing our imperfections is a crucial step toward self-respect and growth. Collectively, like the authors of our childhood storybooks—we attach character flaws and weaknesses to ideals and affiliations we disagree with while labeling ourselves with strong character attributes and heroism. Most of us have grown negligently uncomfortable with our poor behaviors, the poor behaviors of others, and our lives that we refuse even to face. It’s easier for us to criticize the perceived wrongs in the people we’re already at odds with.

Because we struggle to accept our behaviors we’ll repeat the same negative patterns, even though we know they’re not serving us. Examples of this can look like anything from accountability to unhealthy relationships. Accepting these patterns is the first step to changing them. Because we struggle with our actions, when faced with difficult decisions we might make choices that we later regret. Accepting the consequences of our actions can be intensely difficult, leading to feelings of guilt or shame, but recognizing the impact of our choices is essential for learning to move forward. Because we struggle with our reactions, and even though our emotions are a part of us, sometimes our responses to situations are thoughtless, disproportionate, and unhealthy. Accepting that we might overreact or become defensive in situations can be challenging, but it’s the first step toward understanding and managing our emotional responses.

          In my late twenties, I was beginning to accept that I needed to explore the emotional issues that inspired the challenges that continued to prevent me from living the life I imagined, the life that I spent years actively trying to build. Opening myself to new opportunities I met a woman who ended up being abusive, emotionally and physically. She influenced every aspect of my life, regulating everything from my finances to my time. Within a year, she was in complete control. I lost myself in that relationship. I retreated into a small, invulnerable room inside my head—the only place I could be alone. When I finally escaped that situation, I was a shell of the person I was. There was nothing left. I couldn’t accept that. I refused to accept that, but instead of acknowledging the experience, and the emotional shock, I did what I had always done. I tried to dismiss and repress it. But I realized that without that I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know that I wasn’t accepting what had happened. We find it difficult to recognize our refusal to consider new possibilities. We resist opening our minds to new ideas and perspectives. If we weren’t forced to interact with everyone, sharing this planet with it may not matter, but we must learn to acknowledge others and their differences compassionately.

In the same way, we struggle with self-acceptance, we also struggle to accept others. We maintain preconceived notions, biases, or judgments that prevent us from seeing people objectively. Accepting the beliefs, behaviors, and choices of others, especially when they conflict with our own, can be particularly challenging.  It’s hard for us to accept that someone might have different opinions. Not everyone will agree with you, and that’s okay. Refusing to acknowledge or engage with people with opposing viewpoints creates problems for us—shutting down any possibility for understanding, dialogue, or collective growth.  It’s hard for us to accept that someone might make unconventional choices. People make choices, those choices might not align with our values or expectations. It’s not easy accepting that someone might choose a different path, especially if it goes against our beliefs or judgments.  It’s hard to assume that someone might engage in difficult behaviors. Some people exhibit behaviors that we find disagreeable, hurtful, or offensive. Accepting these behaviors doesn’t mean condoning them. But it does mean acknowledging their reality; making informed decisions about how we want to interact with that individual, and showing the willingness to be understanding so that we might allow the strength of our differences to inspire a relationship we may not have considered.

          Two years ago, I acknowledged how unhappy, angry, and resentful I had become. I recognized my misery in work and life and decided something had to change. That I had to change. I started reevaluating what I wanted from life, the things I wanted to explore and accomplish, and the legacy I wanted to leave. The more I reimagined my future the more I was redirected toward my past. I realized I needed to examine thoroughly the most trying and uncomfortable events in my life. And because I struggled with my memory of many of these events I started with the most recent and worked my way backwards. Through meditation and prayer, I allowed myself to slip into my memories where I recalled the experience and explored them with impartiality. Years ago, I acknowledged I had a political bias, and I was able to separate myself from it for long enough to decide I wanted to curb my bias as much as possible. After years of resisting, slipping up, and slowly building the habit I reduced my bias significantly. This step I took years ago made recalling these uncomfortable memories notably easier. Throughout the last two years, I took myself back into my memories from adulthood into my childhood and forced myself to accept and acknowledge feelings I refused to for decades.

Acceptance is challenging, and an essential tool for personal growth and well-being. Acceptance fosters growth. By accepting where we are now, we can identify areas for improvement and pursue personal growth. Embracing our imperfections gives us the freedom to evolve without fear of judgment. Acceptance reduces stress. Resisting reality causes turmoil and tension. By accepting things as they are, even if difficult, we can reduce stress and move forward with a more well-rounded perspective. Acceptance fosters compassion. When we acknowledge our flaws, we treat ourselves and others with more kindness and understanding. This self-compassion allows us to move forward without being held back by self-criticism and with raw honesty in our relationships. Acceptance strengthens relationships. Accepting others, even when we disagree, helps build trust and understanding. It fosters empathy and creates a foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Learning to be accepting is a challenge and a process, but it’s a process we can’t afford to dismiss. We will slip up, resist, and struggle to see things differently. It won’t always clear the path ahead of us. It’s important to be patient with ourselves and acknowledge that this is a process. Practice mindfulness: pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Notice when you’re resisting acceptance and try to understand the reasons behind your resistance. Challenge your beliefs: question your assumptions and preconceived notions. Are your beliefs based on facts or fears? Are they serving you or holding you back? Practice compassion: treat yourself and others with kindness and understanding. Remember that everyone does their best, even when their actions are hurtful or confusing.

          Acceptance is a multifaceted and essential aspect of human growth, relationships, and societal progress. By embracing our imperfections, acknowledging the complexities of others, and recognizing the fluidity of truth, we can cultivate a more compassionate, empathetic, and inclusive world. As we strive for acceptance, we open ourselves to new possibilities, connections, and understanding. We must continue to challenge our biases, confront our fears, and choose acceptance to transform ourselves, our relationships, and our world, one enveloping moment at a time. Acceptance, like integrity and accountability, demands that we shift our focus away from the actions and behaviors of others, and instead relearn to turn that focus inward. Everything always starts with our ability to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be and allow and accept that others will also turn their focus to themselves.