Opening a business doesn’t have to be as risky an endeavor as is sometimes cautioned. Our greatest risk when opening a successful small business is ourselves. We tend to dive into the water headfirst without understanding what we’re diving into; we’re indifferent about the physics of water, the general properties of water, and the significance of surface tension or bottom pressure, none of that matters to us, we know that it's wet. We like to believe that water being wet is all we need to know when we set out to understand water. It’s not enough, and it never is.
For a long time, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and at this point in my process of opening a bookstore, having decided that opening a bookstore was what I wanted to do—selling collectible books through an affiliate website, developing the image of my store in my head, researching the technicalities, building my business plan, looking for and being denied a business loan, finding and leasing a closet-sized space, operating that business, then moving into larger space, and operating that, and then closing my store altogether—I had researched layers and layers of possibilities for every step that I might find myself at to make any of that happen.
I took the same approach when developing my website. I had no coding experience whatsoever, still, I had an image in my head of how I wanted my store to look. I researched and compared the various website platforms, I explored and built mock sites with GoDaddy, Squarespace, WordPress, Wix, Weebly, and Shopify. I played with each platform until I found one that offered the closest thing to what I needed that would allow me, with little website development experience, to build as close to what I imagined in my head as I was able. I could go on about what platform I chose and why, but that’s not the type of writing I’m doing here.
I learned how to build my website by actively building a website and playing with the different platforms. I discovered that there are as many things I would have to address after the fact that I would never have imagined might be an issue, as there are when opening a brick and mortar. The ability to import and export bulk product files, for example, it never would have occurred to me to look into that before I had parked my ass on the couch and started uploading books one title at a time. I kept one stack of books next to my left foot and another next to my right. I picked a book off the top of the pile stacked next to my left foot and started uploading the ISBN, the title, the author, a physical description, and a summary. I had to research every book based on the printing, whether the book was signed, and the condition of the book, and compare my copy of the book with other copies available online and then consider the market value, especially if the book was rare or collectible.
When I finished uploading a book to my site I put it on top of the stack next to my right foot, then reached for the next book on the top of the stack next to my left. I spent six to ten hours every day, for four or five months (we can call it four and a half) uploading thousands of books to my website. I was able to get through The Office, Parks & Recreation, Sherlock, 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Numbers, and Criminal Minds, because I binge-watched that shit like crazy while uploading books. If I found a specific book that was particularly fascinating, I would pause whatever I was watching, and give the book my complete attention. The process was fun and incredibly tedious.
My inability to code might have stirred my annoyance temporarily throughout the process if there was something that I wanted to try to do, or if there was some way that I wanted my website to look. The benefits of knowing the basics of a thing present themselves when you have an idea of how you want something to work or to appear and you have no idea how to bridge the gap between your idea and the process. I spent hours and hours trying to find some pattern or something in the basics of coding that would help me bridge these widening gorges between how simple a thing might be in my mind and how complicated it might be to develop it. I never could. It took me forever to learn how to play the guitar because I made it harder than it was. Most things are way simpler than we make them out to be. However, coding is designed for a specific mind. There is one thing I have always wanted to do on my site, regardless of the platform I was using (Weebly, Wix, Squarespace, etc.) I have never been able to do it. And that is to alphabetize books by the last name of an author.
When people browse a bookstore, they browse by section and author, when an online website builder doesn't allow its users to customize how products are displayed it makes it difficult for me to provide the experience of browsing a bookstore that I want my website to share. It’s not just a function of finding exactly what you want and in the exact spot that the book should be, it’s because the process is enjoyable; browsing is an experience. Imagine being able to browse a website exactly as if you were browsing the shelves of a bookstore. As of yet, no website selling books allows for alphabetical browsing.
I built my first website with Wix, and that site was live for a few months before I learned that there were things I needed the Wix website builder didn’t offer. I designed my second site with Weebly. I operated my bookstore using Weebly for years, and at some point, I learned that I could sell books on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and other social media sites with Shopify. I incorporated Shopify into my mix and some combination of Weebly and Shopify for another few years. Eventually, I upgraded and updated my Shopify site and deactivated Weebly. I use Shopify now to operate and maintain my site, and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier with Communitea Books. I will, on occasion, update the site, but the work is mostly minor cosmetic developments. I’m planning on spending some time developing a fun search box. The quality of search engines for these platforms is low, and I think it’s worth the couple of hours of trial and error required to figure that out. No one website builder is generally better than another. They are different and offer different functions based on how you want your website to look and how you want your consumers to interact with your site, the difficult part is figuring out which platform will work best for you.
In 2022 I was managing the Barnes & Noble Booksellers in Bozeman, Montana, and while I was working on the sales floor one summer afternoon an elderly couple asked me to help them find some books for their grandchildren. In the process, we started talking, I learned that the pair lived nearby in Livingston, which also happened to be where I was living (it’s more affordable than Bozeman). It came up that I owned a bookstore in the past, that I was operating that business online now, and that I was interested in reopening my store, eventually. They told me the longest-operating company in Livingston is a bookstore, it opened its doors in 1882 and has been passed down from father to son, twice.
The couple explained that the bookstore’s current owner had no children and was ailing, and they suggested that I reach out to him. After leaving work that afternoon, I sat down and hand-wrote a letter to John, the business owner, regarding the bookstore, and explained that I had met this couple at Barnes & Noble and that they suggested that I reach out to him and went on to express my interest in sitting down to talk. I didn’t hear anything back and eventually, I forgot about it. One morning, at the onset of winter months later, I received a call from a local attorney, John’s attorney (the business owner's), and he requested a meeting with me about the bookstore.
I sat down with the attorney and John’s business manager at his attorney’s office, and we started discussing the store's future, and whether my vision might parallel, at least, with the purview of the century-long namesake of the bookstore. Their business wasn’t making money but was a community staple and had been operating for a hundred and forty years. Nobody wanted to see the store closed. They also weren’t willing to let it go to someone who would gut and change it completely. They were running out of options. As the meeting came to a close the attorney stopped me and gave me a projected deadline for when he would like to see the deal close, and the deadline was approaching but not disrespectfully.
During our meeting I expressed to them my intention to keep the existing business name, I shared with them my desire to expand the book inventory, as well as to develop a strategy to continue selling books and to expand the office and art supplies that have been carrying the store for the last twenty years. Everyone was excited as that first meeting ended. John’s business manager and I left the meeting that morning and met at the store for a walkthrough. I had been into the store a few times before browsing, but it was nice to see it with a new lens and to examine parts of the store that are unavailable to the public. I hadn't seen the basement—the basement was closed to the public for whatever reason—and I had questions about, different things.
After exploring the store, and discovering a treasure trove of history and junk, I realized the potential was greater than I first thought. While we were in the basement we started sifting through old things and photographs, and while I was down there, I pictured the space cleared out and then filled with tables and bookshelves. I imagined the whole of Non-Fiction on the shelves against the basement walls, patrons browsing the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, and the smell of old books piling in the corners and under tables. The children’s book section would be in the back room of the basement nearest the restroom. I could picture families sitting, reading, and playing games, and children tripping on scattered toys that other thoughtless kids and indifferent parents left lying around.
There was even an old darkroom in the basement with functioning equipment from the 1980’s. And I imagined opening a darkroom studio up to rent by the hour, for the abundant self-proclaimed photojournalists shuttering about southern Montana. Imagining the basement made it easier to imagine the main sales floor after shelves replaced old display cases resting on the same sunless wood floors for so long that no one knew if the display cases could be moved. It wasn't until the natural light from the front windows pained my eyes that I stepped out of my thoughts and back into this dormant gem.
I immediately went to work generating an offer for the store. It wouldn’t be as straightforward as the projected future revenue and the cost of current inventory; sure, the business hasn’t been making money, but it is a staple, as much a part of the community as the mountainous skyline and the bald, rounded peak regarding the small city. There is a sentimentality value to be considered. Then again how do I put a price on sentiment? Where’s the line between embarrassingly low and outrageously high? Is a business like this worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, tens of thousands of dollars maybe, trading sentiment for sentiment: being progressive without considerable change, like keeping the name, for example? I wanted to make a generous offer that wasn’t offensive, but I’m also paying for the business debt. It was a delicate situation.
Meanwhile, I was working on setting up a meeting with a non-profit in Bozeman to discuss what I consider to be the better option for additional financing. While waiting to hear back from the non-profit John’s attorney began to place some pressure on me that made me both nervous and uncomfortable. While balancing meetings and conversations, one morning, less than a week after our first meeting, I got a text from John’s business manager putting even more pressure on me (he admitted that he too was being pressured by John’s attorney). John’s attorney asked his business manager to tell me “I didn’t seem as interested in the deal as I came across and that they might be forced to consider other options.” The message irritated me. I immediately called John’s business manager and set up another meeting with John’s attorney. In that second meeting, John’s attorney started making comments that raised some flags for me. I wasn’t sure whether the attorney’s behavior was because he wanted to maintain some control over the business or whether these were symptoms of an aged memory, still, the takeaway from that meeting was that I assured them that I wanted to press forward. So, we pressed onward.
John’s attorney reached out to me again, almost immediately after our meeting, he shared that he was aware of an investor who was interested in providing the overhead to keep the business going, ‘assuming my partnership,’ and he asked me to put together a business plan and some financials to present to this mysterious angel investor. I had a detailed business plan; I had the projected financials prepared. So, I made a few adjustments and left two packets with John’s attorney's secretary: (1) financials for the attorney, (2) my business plan, and the financials for the angel investor.
That evening, I received an email from John’s attorney.
A part of me wants to publish the email here, along with the several emails that followed. However, I can’t, in good conscience. The email from John’s attorney was asinine. He was questioning my business plan in irrational detail: my intention to hold events, because other local businesses already hold events, my intent to sell tea, because other local businesses already sell tea, he even questioned my intention to use the basement because some people might have trouble with the stairs. And things that he and I had already discussed at length in one or both of our previous meetings as if he had never heard it before, as well as things that were noticeably antithetical for a person pushing to close the deal rapidly. None of this made any sense.
I read his email that evening while eating dinner. Wide-eyed, I couldn’t help but think—aside from my response to each absurd question—that the attorney was supposed to be little more than an intermediator. My business plan wasn’t even meant for his eyes, it was meant for the mysterious angel investor. An investor that I was now realizing, he had brought to my attention, and not once had he mentioned the investor name or contact info, only that they wanted to see my projected financials and a business plan (yes, it did briefly cross my mind that the attorney might be the angel investor, but that thought did come and quickly go).
I responded to the attorney’s email. I explained to him that my business plan was none of his business and that if the angel investor had any questions, then I would be happy to talk with the investor. Because after learning about them, I was looking forward to talking about a few things with them anyway. The attorney's response to my email was that he was trying to help me refocus my business plan. And so, in response, I told John’s attorney that I can appreciate his concern, however, I will communicate such things with the investor from now on, and that he no longer needs to worry about it. You would think this would have concluded that topic. It didn’t.
My correspondence with John’s attorney started to get increasingly strange. The attorney’s next email stated that the investor only wanted to help, and they weren’t interested even in turning a profit. They wanted only to keep the business running. My first thought was, why did they, or you request my business plan, and, specifically, my financial projections? And why then respond with concerns to a business plan that was not only any of your business but unnecessary to provide? I urgently expressed a desire to meet with the investor. The attorney responded that the investor wasn’t local and was very busy. So, in yet another email, I had to ask him for the contact information for the investor. The attorney refused to provide the information. To reiterate, the attorney refused to give me the contact information of the investor I would be in business with. After that email, I stopped engaging with him. I…it’s, I mean, how…I’m still dumbfounded that he wouldn’t provide me with the investor’s name and contact info. Was I supposed to use the attorney as a mediator forever? I cannot imagine what the attorney could have been thinking.
In the weeks before my contact with John’s attorney, I started to reevaluate what I wanted out of life, and more to the point what I wanted to do. You see, opening a bookstore wasn’t my first, lifelong dream, opening a bookstore became the next best option. When I was presented with a certain scope of what might be practical in this life I never once asked myself, beyond that particular pretense, what I wanted out of my life. It was always a balancing act between my interests and what might be practical. Was working retail for what I wanted or is the industry where I found some footing at a young age, and then I became comfortable with it? Have I, ever since, been limiting the scope of my dreams to what exists within my comfort zone?
I wanted to write; writing has always been my passion. In the summer of 2022, I started focusing on myself, and who I was and wanted to be. I started working through several lingering emotional traumas, and in the midst, I decided to weigh what it was that was important to me. So, when closing the deal to buy this bookstore, this turn of events came about, I was already beginning to open my mind up to a wider scope of possibilities for myself. We all make similar mistakes throughout our lives. We become comfortable, and not only will an opportunity outside of our comfort zone feel uncomfortable, but it will likely feel impractical and unrealistic for little reason other than that it might be unfamiliar, we’re comfortable only with what we’re familiar with.
I can imagine my life owning a bookstore: how I would act, where I would go, what I would do, and who I would talk to, and it may not be the same life exactly that I had been living for the last twenty years but it is within that same comfort zone, and that life takes little effort to envision. It's a comfortable thought. I began to realize that my choices are not limited, and no one is limited by their choices (eh, perhaps some people are limited by their choices), but escaping our conditioning is difficult, it’s complicated. You first have to understand that your way of thinking and the way you’re living are riddled with limitations, you have to expand your mindset which is like learning to accept that the universe is expanding.
I made the terrifying decision to quit my job managing Barnes & Noble, and I took a job working part-time as the night attendant at the Murray Hotel. I moved into the hotel. I was determined to teach myself everything I could about the fundamentals of writing; any talent I may have had wasn’t enough for me to feel confident, calling myself a writer. Unless I did the work, I would never find that confidence. I learned how to take an impossibly bad piece of writing, figure out how to make it work, and then repeat the process, and again.
Throughout my life I have learned how difficult it can be not to compare ourselves to others; especially the older we get, and how easily it can feel like we don’t have much to show for the time that might seem wasted or lost. Sometimes certain lessons or realizations come to us after a lifetime of searching for something entirely different, a dream that we can't even place anymore. Reevaluating life and your place in life does not mean you’re starting over or that you’re behind in the game. What we have learned getting to where we are is invaluable and it does make us better at whatever it is that we will eventually realize we want in life.
We have to remind ourselves not to compare ourselves to others over and over until we feel comfortable simply knowing it. I learned a lot from these past several months: the prospects of taking over a local bookstore, the bizarre process of realizing that, and accepting the reality of closing the deal. Buying the store would have been a terrible mistake, not least of which is that even small-town attorneys will take any advantage they might be able to while thinking only of themselves even in the face of the sentiment of a small town’s oldest operating business going out of business, but mostly I learned a great deal about myself and what I want. Since I originally wrote and published this essay, the store has closed. They are cleaning it out and the building will soon be on the market for sale.
Communitea Books is the most important thing that I have created in my lifetime, I love that I can share my love for books here, but I also love that I have built a place for my writing, I am looking forward to not only seeing my writing evolve, but to realize different avenues that may not even be apparent to me now. My website allows me to explore my passion for photography, in ways I never imagined. After nearly twenty years of failing, learning, and developing, I realized that what I thought I was working toward wasn’t what I expected. The most surprising thing was that I now know I can be open to new possibilities.
I started nearly twenty years ago to open a bookstore; I came within a single decision and a verbal agreement to accept the conditions of an offer that would have put the reigns of one of the most celebrated bookstores in a popular literary town in my hands because I was beginning to explore parts of myself that had been more or less dormant for years. I was able to recognize a bad situation. This same opportunity had been presented to me even just a few months before I would have agreed to it and would very likely have found myself in a bad triangle of plight and quandary with a small-town attorney who couldn’t be trusted and a ghost. The path I set for myself back then is one that I’m still on, and although side effects from my past still present themselves, and so much is still unknown, my situation has probably never been better, then I started to realize that this was all water, and I was well beyond it simply being wet.